Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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