maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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