my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I smell like Dick and happiness
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
