my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
