Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
