What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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