last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
