you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
