On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
