goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
