idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize