That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he puts the penis in happiness.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
