You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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