Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
