I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
