a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You pole danced in your parka.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
