we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
