Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
