All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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