I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
how drunk are you?
Several
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
