You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
