I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
