I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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