And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
