I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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