I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
