I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
