Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
