we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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