I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
