i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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