Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
