Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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