Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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