you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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