On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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