i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
FUCK WHALES
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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