I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
