awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
