I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I believe in your delicious
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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