So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
