I'm sorry my penis didn't work
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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