I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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