So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
