dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
