His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
