We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
