I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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