I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
