i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
