Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I am available for nakedness
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
