There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
