Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
