I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
