I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
