I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
