Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
