He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
