so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
