I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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