Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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