There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
