he wants to bone in the snuggie
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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