textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
