Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
